They called her "The eastern Songbird" on the blackboard outside the clubhouse, well she certainly can warble! She didnt need a microphone, and its a good job we had plastic glasses for our sherry or there may have been a bloodbath!

Mr Dorey and Mr Newt seemed to find something amusing, their faces went a funny colour and they had to stuff their shellsuit tops in their mouths to stem the laughter. Dan had left the room as soon as she started to sing, I just turned my hearing aid off and dreamt of my man.

We were all quite concerned about Mr Turkey though, he was on his knees in front of the stage cross-eyed and dribbling. I suppose she is a pretty girl(especially when gagged) but Ive never seen any man react quite like this before though, very bizarre. We first thought the songstress had caused his ears to bleed, and he was in great pain, but the paramedics couldnt find anything wrong, but they did notice his Y-fronts were a tad tighter than they were, we must presume he likes this girl! Oh dear, I do hope he doesnt take her home with him, Ive just had my new windows put in.

I found my mystery man... but just as I almost caught up with him, 4 men in uniforms were throwing him out the compound. There was a riot of women behind him waving their fists and hurling abuse at him. I expect he turned down their advances, nothing worse than a woman scorned, jealous bitches! Im very sad about missing my chance for a bit romance, the guard on the gate wouldnt let me chase after him, said it wasnt safe for me and that Id have to remain locked in.

Ill have to go and drown my sorrows, they have entertainment on this afternoon, and Mr Turkey, Mr Dorey and Mr Newt are going talent spotting again. Dan thinks they are going to turn into agents like Simon Cowell.

Im in love! I spotted this gorgeous man lurking round the womens changing rooms, he tried to hide when he saw me, I think hes smitten with me, when I called out to him he went very red and tried to hide his face, but his hands were definately busy in his trouser pockets. Ill find him later when I get my clothes back on, shouldnt be hard, he has a lovely head of hair, and Im sure I heard the clunk of a wooden leg on the floor as he dashed off. Poor man was probably embarrassed at accidentally wandering into the wrong rooms.

We werent allowed to stay in the pool for very long, something to do with the filters being blocked, probably something to do with all those screaming kids, it was ok when we first got in.

God its hard to get bloomers on when your bums not dry properly, and I dropped my girdle on the floor so thats gonna be impossible, and I wanted to look great for my mystery man.

What an exotic place! Very modern, feel like Ive come to paradise! This was taken just before Rene jumped in, there was quite a stir, Im not sure if it was the image of her bikini bottoms disapearing up her crack, or the tidal wave that followed, but the noise was something to behold! There were screaming children, rubber hats and rubber rings everywhere, the water turned a reddish colour (dont heads bleed a lot?) I wish some mothers would keep their children under better control.

I suppose she did us a favour really, Id only brought a tea towel with us, so Scarlet used the distraction to do a "seaside swipe", she did well, got 4 good size ones, thatll do the 17 of us well.

Mr Turkey had forgotten his trunks, but thanks to Rene I dont think anyone noticed the brown and orange stripped little number he was wearing were actually y-fronts.

Mr Dorey and Mr Newt are very refined, they had proper speedos and everything, they even brought soap and shampoo with them, saves using all my washing up liquid.

William was taking a little too much notice of some of the young girls and had to be "escorted out" by the lifeguards, he says he was only trying to teach them how to swim, but they thought that swimming under little girls with a snorkle and twanging their bikini bottoms wasnt too helpful.

Flo looked a sight for sore eyes when she came out of the water, she was strutting up and down in front of the lifeguards trying to get their attention, but she hadnt realised that her plentiful make-up had "run", when i say run, it was more of a flow, when that was put together with her silver thong, well all Im saying is its the first time Ive heard grown men scream!

At least Ive found some of them behind the chalets. Marylin had already started sorting breakfast out, bless her!

I must admit though, Id have expected a bit more of Pontins, I always thought a breakfast buffet would be laid out on the table, oh well, never mind, I suppose we did get a cheap deal, cant expect 5 star service, and the man said it was "al-fresco dining" sounds very posh!

I tried to get out of the camp to get some fresher warburtons from Spar, but the man on the gate insisted he couldnt let me out, I suppose security has to be tight to keep the "riff-raff" out. Dan tried to climb over the wall but got tangled in the barbed wire, Im sure theyll have some plasters in the 1st aid room.

I passed a big dining room thing on my way back to our caravan, it was full of people helping themselves to rice crispies and fried bread, I expect it must be a private party, wedding party or something.

We are going swimming today, kill 2 birds with one stone, the shower block and toilets are closed to the "caravaners"

Well last night was a roaring sucess, the entertainment was fantastic! Stanley was amazing as Elvis (yes I know its hard to believe hes not the real thing, but its true I swear!)

His redition of blue suede shoes was the best thing Ive seen, and the way he moved really stirred me!

We got to meet him after the show in the bar too, he was very nice and polite, (once we'd peeled Rene off him) poor deluded woman still believes that Elvis is alive and working at Pontins, Ive told the silly cow hes dead, I know for a fact this must be true, I read it in the Star. Mind you, he was pretty convincing, but once you hear his Bolton accent it all becomes clear, the real Elvis was from Wales I think, completely different way of speaking, I have a good ear for these things.

Mr Turkey and our Dan were very excited about Stanley, they have offered him £20 to do a series of songs on their shows, they are going to feature him in a slot called "holiday singers from hell" This could be his big break, itll be Simon Cowell next! And to think Ive actually met him! Its great to be able to mingle with the stars! Id best wake my lot up and get some breakfast sorted, something good to soak up the left over alcohol, well we had to show Stan we could keep up with the stars.

I cant believe it, this is our home for 4 days and 3 nights. I knew I shouldnt have trusted that man at the Pontins shop. Well it was almost a shop, more of a pasting table outside the travel agents with a hand painted sign saying " party of 17 can have a luxury break for only £58, cash only"

I cant believe I fell for it, he seemed so nice, but in after thought, Im sure I recognised him, he used to work at Spar. There was a bit of a trouble one evening when he accused one of mine for stealing... he got sacked...

Well at least our Marylin will be sleeping outside, makes more room for the other 16 of us.

Wheres my QC?...............

Well, the funeral was over, none of us can remember much about it, so it must have gone well.

We decided to celebrate Heathcliffes death with a well deserved holiday. I booked us all in at Pontins. It was a late deal and out of season so very cheap. The brochure looked nice,and the man on the phone told me we all fit in lovely. There was 17 of us going, so we would all have these rooms with some privacy.

Even Marylin was coming with us, (it took us ages to pack her cardboard box into the suitcase) but at least we saved £7.75 for her weekends board at Pontins.

We tried to book a big taxi to take us from Southport to Ainsdale, but no-one would take us. The train was out of the question, our faces are posted up like "Carlos the Jackal", we cant even get to Birkdale without face of arrest.

Mr Turkey came up trumps... he used his position at the radio station to appeal for a bus to take us to our destination... (we had to steal some wheelchairs and various other medical equipment to make it look authentic) but hey who cares?? It worked!

We are on our way!... Im so excited, I hope I can control myself, these tennas aint what they used to be...

I cant believe it, Marylin has come out of bus-stop in mourning. Id heard she had been asking for a black cardboard box at the Spar, but Id just thought she was trying to keep the heat in now its autumn.

Maybe Ive mis-judged her, she must be missing her brother, he used to bring her half empty glue tins he'd found in bins while he was working. But Im sure she genuinely misses him, after all they are flesh and blood, well ....sort of... (I could never quite get to the bottom of their parenthood) Oh who cares... they are my family and I love em....

Well....... Age Concern have done me proud... Heathcliffe will look great in this suit, and a bargain at only £3.75, I got the shirt for free, an open Spar bag works wonders.

Its not quite the right size for him but Ive had a word with the undertakers, apparently they can suck out a few extra bits to get him to fit it. Anyway, we can always split the seams at the back, no-one will notice, hes not likely to roll over.

All in all, in this sad time, things are going smoothly. Rene has done me proud, she has got a trolley from B&Q , she also "borrowed" a few giant umbrellas from their garden centre in case it rains. A few cans of spray paint from their car dept will get rid of the orange "B&Q" letters, she will sort that out tommorow, what a rock she is.

Im exhausted, I need a bit of tea and some QC, then some sleep......

This is Mr Kennedy, hes going to lead the funeral parade, he was recommended to me by a friend of our Dans at the radio staion, I think his brother works there.
Hes a bit of an odd man, tends to burst out cackling for no reason at all, but I suppose it takes all sorts, and hes cheap enough. Hes had a lot of experience but is just trying to earn a few quid before he retires. I had to bribe him with £2.95 to walk in front of the car instead of using his bike, (I also had to pay the driver an extra £5 not to go to fast and mow him down)
This is getting more complicated by the day, I just wish Id hired Charlie Dimmock to dig me a pond in the yard and dropped him the foundations when she wasnt looking, would have been cheaper. Id have had some great water lillies to!

Its a nightmare, trying to arrange a funeral when your grieving, and its even worse on a pension, but I think Ive found just the thing for our Heathcliffe. Its made a beautiful chinese wood... its probably very lovely and hardwearing, but I dont understand about wood, I know all about formica, and pine(wish our Jesus was a bit older he'd know about these things)

The man said something like "balsa", sounds very exotic to me, he did tell me we'd need a good trolley on wheels to support it, Rene is going to B&Q for one, Asdas are way to small, he was a big lad, shes such a gem.

Im off to Age Concern now for a suit for him to wear, (the "Heart Foundation" shop is way too expensive)

Its a sad day, Im just back from the hospital, my gorgeous grandson Heathcliffe had a bit of accident...it seems he "borrowed a car from outside Spar". Its all my fault.... I should never have expected him to carry 2 tins of pink salmon, a tin of tapioca, and 50 Spar extra special brew teabags without transport.

I was obviously very nervous when the police drew up at my door...... (they didnt look to happy either, "they were quaking like a shittin dog" my Bo described them as) As they didnt have their usual riot gear on, I decided to open the door. (I got Bo to hide the pickled eggs in the toilet cystern) and got our Dan to guard the back door in case they were staking out the yard ready to flush us out.

I was suspicious whan "female police person" came in and asked me to sit down... Im saying she was female, she had mascara on, but that means nowt these days, just look at some of my Dans friends from the radio station!

She said she had bad news for me...................Damn you Heathcliffe... and wheres my change? I gave you a fiver! I should have at least have £2.18 change (salmon was reduced cos it was out of date, but it has more flavour like that)

What the bugger was doing in Cornwall beats me, its miles away,(near Bolton I think) Ive been waiting ages for my tea.

The funeral is on Wednesday, Im dreading it.... my black outfit has gone grey with cheap washing powder, Ill get it from Spar next time... quality stuff that.

Im going to sit and mourn now, drown my sorrows in QC........ well £2.18 is £2.18, and Im a pensioner!

Weve got yet another edition to our family, a little canine called Willie. Hes a handsome little devil, fits in with my family perfectly. William took this picture of him in his favourite spot, under the table waiting for tasty morsels, hes assured me that no-one will notice my bloomers, but I dont like the way he was sniggering. Well at least they are clean.

William stole him from the local dogs home, hes got a few behavioural problems... (the dog not our William) and he can clear in seconds with one puff from his arse. I think theyve been feeding him crap in that home, hell be a goodun when hes been on Spars best meaty chunks in jelly for a few days.

Hes a great little guard dog, he went straight for the policemans ankle when he tried to fine me for the pile of shite he dropped in the chippy. Its not my fault the silly man slipped and caused damage to himself with his truncheon, but it caused a great distraction for me to make my getaway with a large jar of pickled eggs, and a free bag of chips, theyll go down lovely for tea, might just give Willie a little treat too.

Well its been a while since I wrote my diary, its been very busy here what with Bo being home, Dan and Mona have been about as useless as a chocolate fireguard now they are "in love". Scarlet has been spending all her time with the barrister who defended her against her shoplifting charges. He seems a nice chap, not sure about his curly grey hair, but each to their own. Ill save up some of my sherry money and get him some of that mens lotion, thatll cover it. Scarlet insists hes a blond, but my eyes aint that bad, he also wear little bows in it, personally I think hes been listening to Adam and the Ants, its gone right to his head.

Ive been left holding the baby, damn ugly little bugger but im getting quite fond of him in some ways. I left our Marylin babysitting him for a few hours while I went to bingo, she wants to have him again tommorrow. Im surprised, she was never interested in her own. I did notice she'd made a new sign on her cardboard box in her bus stop though, something about "another hungry mouth to feed" didnt really take much notice, shes very odd at times.

Ive asked Scarlet to bring her young man round for tea tonight, I need to see if he's father material (and I want a good look at that barnett of his)

Right Ill get down to Spar for something special, he looks a bit posh, might get some Lambrusco to wash it down with, thatll impress him.

Well, well, look what our Scarlet came downstairs with this morning! First Id thought she'd pinched it from outside a shop, but sense took over, why would anyone pinch such an ugly little bugger??? And besides she wouldnt want to break a nail changing nappies n stuff.

She insists she didnt know she was pregnant, Id noticed she'd put on a bit weight lately, but just put it down the tins of Pedigree Chum she'd been snacking on over the past few months.

Its odd, it all makes sense now... Id heard screaming from the bathroom this morning, I just thought it was Bo, (he has stubborn bowels and struggles a bit) I dread to think what state the bathroom is in, Ill nip out to Spar and get some more Zoflora.

Scarlet insists shes a virgin, she want to call her son Jesus, she has big aspirations about him. I hope shes right, he could be my saviour, it'd be very handy having a carpenter in the family, my kitchen cupboard doors ahve been hanging off for years!

I know hes not as good looking at the rest of my family, but I suppose we might grow to love him someday. I think we'd best keep him, (maybe we can make some financial claims for him) the moneys always useful.

At last, Mona has found herself a man... Love is in the air, firstly our Dan now Mona. Hes Moses and Mabels grandson, hes on a working holiday from Burnley. I can see the family resemblence, lovely smiles...

Mona is smitten, Renee is too, (I think its his tongue that got her excited.. ) Ive told Renee to stay away, Mona is very inexperienced with men, and I dont want her to have another bad experience. Her last boyfriend was zoo keeper who looked after the llamas, he tried to make her pay for the llama wool in ways you couldnt imagine! Needless to say, after my advice, he spent a long time in hospital and she had to buy another pair of size 16 knitting needles.

His name is Arthur, known to his close friends as "Popeye" Im not sure why but maybe he eats a lot of spinach, or perhaps he was a sailor. I can never quite these nicknames things myself, Renee is known as the town bike, (she doesnt even wheels or a handlebars!) Marylin is named "Bus-stop-bostick" by the locals. And my lovely William is known as "Bull-dog-Bill" , Flo says it has something to do with his bottom teeth, but I took him to the dentist when he was 9 so I dont believe her.

Well, anyway, back to Mona, shes cooking tea for Arthur shes made a big effort, been to Spar by herself and everything! Im keeping him entertained in the parlour, (the smell of boiled lentils and tinned sardines are wafting through) Arthur wants to play a game, he says its called "shag a granny before teas ready". Im not sure how to play that one so I suggest scrabble, or snap. Hes a bit strange, keeps trying to lick my feet, Im not taking my woolly tights and slippers off for anyone! Its September for goodness sake, and my calour gas heater is empty.

Mona comes into the parlour with a feast like I couldnt imagine in my wildest dreams.. she has bought real butter and everything! Lovely on a slice of Warburtons Toastie loaf, still in the pack to keep it fresh. Shes gone one step further.. (she must have been watching Anthea Turner) the sardines are out of the tin and in a glass bowl! (well plastic, but pretty anyway)

Im going to bed, Ill take my QC with me, I dont want to get in the way of young love...(and I still have about 5 mins left in my battries)... dont want them them to corrode!

Well we finally got the dead man back to the morgue, Renee was upset, she said it was the first stiff shed had for ages, she wanted to keep him but the smell was getting a bit too much.

Awwww, Dans got a girlfriend, shes called Nancy, I think he met her at work, shes on a training scheme from the psychiatric ward. He says shes doing very well, shes learnt how to make a cup of tea in under an hour now! Nancy hasnt quite figured out how to open the digestives, but I think she has a problem with her thumbs. (I hope he doesnt marry her and have kids, dont want any bad blood breeding in my family!)

Hes taking her to the pictures tonight, theres a film they both want to see, its got something to do with a 6ft singing purple dinosaur, "Barney the movie" I think, hope its not too scarey, Dans very sensitive and does tend to wet the bed when he gets frightened.

She seems nice enough, not quite right in the head, but harmless enough I suppose. She has lots of hobbies which shes got our Dan interested in. They have pooled together their collection of mini cereal boxes and empty cheese and onion crisp packets, they have over 30 now! Dan bought a special cabinet to display them in. Shes going to start collecting different coloured plastic pan scrubbers next, and has got a big glass bowl from from the charity shop to show them off in.

Ill make them a bit of tea before they go, they look so sweet holding hands on the couch watching Blue Peter together, fair brings a lump to my throat it does... young love! Some tongue and picallili butties eaten off the same plate will add to the romance, and a pint pot of tizer with 2 straws.... see, I am a romantic at heart!

Well we are just back from the cells, all party goers are in one piece, well nearly) we just have a problem... we seem to have an extra one. Renee thinks hes John Major, but I told her hes dead, he slept with Edwina Currie and nobody can survive that..

I think its Ronnie Corbett, so shes very excited, and has started slapping him round the face and asking to tell her a joke.

There was no response for a few hours, we dialled 999, at first the operator shouted " NOOOO WE ARENT COMING THERE AGAIN!" when I explained we had a celebrity in trouble, they sent someone round.

Oh deary me, it turned out that there had been a mix up at the police station, they had made us take a body from the morgue.....very funny Mr Plod! Renee says shes going to wait for the ads to come on in the middle of "Trisha" and get a number to sue the buggers.

Well I think that party went pretty well! There was only a few arrests and hospital admissions , and it wasnt their fault, they were victims of circumstance., we didnt know next doors roof was only made of corrugated cardboard... it doesnt hold up too well under the strain of the Okey-Cokey. And we werent directly responsible for the phone booth falling into Spar window, we just tripped up larking about! The hole came in handy for more booze and nuts though, now that was purely coincidental I can assure you. I dropped off some more Bostik for our Marylin on the way too, dunno what she does with it all, she must be making collages or something, but she was very agitated and shakey when I got there, she must have been keen to finish her project.

The rooms not too bad, cant wake Dan though, but he looks comfy so Ill leave him be to sleep a bit (I think he overdosed on Tizer, I warned him too many "e numbers" werent good for him, but he wouldnt listen, just carried on ripping the wallpaper off the walls, stuffing cheesy wotsits up his nostrils and dipping his dangly bits in peoples sherry.

Bo seemed to enjoy it, Im glad the police made us we keep his hand cuffs on though, the smell of women was too much for him after being in prison for so long, could have been trouble! A few pickled silverskin onions arranged in a circle around him put him off the scent,and he soon settled.

Renee loved the attention she got off Mr Newt, he couldnt take his eyes off her! Hes a very clever chap, hes asked her to pose for some photos for him, apparently he has his own website, "scareyoldbitches.com" or something, shes very excited about it! Shes learning how to write so she can sign autographs, and she is going to the travel agents to see how much it costs to fly to Hollywood. Ive told her to use National Express, its much cheaper. She really has no idea about these things, silly old cow.

I found Mr Turkey sleeping in a compost sack in next doors potting shed, Im not sure how he got there but looked happy enough. The place stunk of methylated spirits, they probably use it on their tomatoes or something.

Mona and Flo are coming to help me clear up soon, Im not really in the mood, I feel sick and have a headache, maybe the beetroot was off, it must have been cos we are feeling the same this morning.

Id best make a pot of tea and fry some kippers, Ill need my strength to get the rest of the guests out of the cells, those coppers take some beating when you get to my age! Think Ill just take Bo with me, Im sure he can "persuade" them with less effort than me.

Well I never! Dan turned up at the party with this man from work in tow... Mr Dorey, Im not sure if he thought it was a fancy dress party, but Dan tells me its just his usual weekend "going out clothes" Thank God I have a normal family! But at least I suppose its one less to wee up my walls when hes had too many sherries.

Well the party is getting into full swing, Ive had to ask Mr Turkey not to dance so vigorously, as the needle is damaging Dans Val Doonicans LP, hes sulking now, sitting in the corner with 11 packs of dairylea dunkers and a bottle of QC.

Mr Dory seems like an interesting chap, hes been keeping us all amused with his tales of all the rich and famous people hes met (I think hes just been to Tussauds in Blackpool myself after taking illegal substances) poor deluded chap, well lets not burst his bubble, cos I think he truly believes it himself!

Bo has arrived home with a police escort, its so wonderful to see him again, Ive really missed him. The police dropped him off at the door and raced away at full speed, Ive phoned them up for the keys but the say he really does need to keep the cuffs on a few years yet. Ill have to nip to Spar for some straws for him. Ill take Renee with me, shes got huge pockets in her mini skirt, we can pick up a few litres of cider and some more tizer for Dan while we are there.... (besides, I dont want to leave her alone with so many men in the house...shes a magnet and Mr Newt has been giving her the look all evening)

The first to arrive were 2 of Dans friends, Mr Turkey and Mr Newt. Theyd come armed with Spar bags full of cider and cheesy wotsits. Classy lads these two! Seeing as they come 4 hours before the party started, I asked them to help with the decorations.

Im not sure the silver fir tree, angel or fairy lights were quite apt in September but hey.. anything to brighten the place up.

While the boys were working, me n Renee opened a bottle of QC and set up Monas pasting table for the food. Well what a spread, we put a big jar of pickled beetroot as a centrepeice. The dairylea dunkers were spread out around it in pretty patterns, quite a spectacle. The kitchen rolls with pretty flowers on were a stroke of genius, really brought out the colour of the beetroot, Anthea Turner eat your heart out! I might take some pictures and send them to her, show her how it SHOULD be done!

Mr Turkey was drinking something purple out of a paper bag.. I do hope its only Vimto! But he does look a bit peculiar, and the balloons hes just blown up wont come down off the ceiling! Mr Newt looks a little worse for wear too, but from what Dan says, hes always been like that, I think its something he chews. Hes got a good set of snappers though, and they are all his own.

Only thing left to do is to move the furniture back ready for some dancing, I did suggest to them to both move in the same direction, but Mr Turkey didnt seem to understand, nothing that a bit of corrective surgery wont cure. Im sure when he sobers up tommorrow itll hurt like hell.

We decided to put some of Dans records on to lighten the mood and get us in the mood for the party, Cliffs "wired for sound" is always a great ice breaker.. Oh how we danced, Mr Newt sang along using a pickled gherkin as a microphone, he was very good, a very manly voice, he should go proffessional, Ive told him. Ill write a letter to Simon Cowell in the morning.

Id best go and have a swill and put my best velour leisure suit on ready for our guests arriving!

Well after the upset and insult of this morning, Renee and I have decided to throw a party to welcome Bo home, thatll cheer us all up, (and give the neighbours something to complain about)

We have phoned the local police station to warn them to get some extra staff on duty tonight, and to make sure the cells are empty. See...I told we had manners in this family!

Me and Renne have been to Asda to get in some supplies, some call it shopping, but we prefer "super-market-swipe" much more apt.

We work well together, she causes a distraction and I fill my tartan wheelie shopping bag. Today she decided to do her "Ive fallen head first into a freezer" routine, (works everytime) but as we needed more grub for the party she "forgot" to put her bloomers on, we thought this would give me more time to swipe!

Well there was quite a commotion, her head rammed down into boxes of frozen brains faggots, proper jammed she was.. the young stacking the battered cod took one look at Renees arse and dropped out cold onto the floor! She still has that effect on men!

I made the most of the fracas, and filled my bag with sherry, dairylea dunkers, cashew nuts, crab sticks, paper doilies, chocolate sprinkles, tinned fruit salad, kipper flavoured pringles, a box of multi-coloured drawing pins.... (well they were just there) and a bottle of tizer for our Dan.

I managed to get out of the shop just as the ambulance arrived, Renee joined me in the car park as the fish stacker was being carted away, itll take some mopping up that blood!

We got the bus home, Renee always pays, she doesnt want anyone to know shes a pensioner, but I dont think the driver believed her when she asked for a childs fare.. she got it anyway as usual, maybe he felt a little intimidated by her.

Right, lets get this party going!

I was greeted at "entrance" to my house by the man with the camera. He told me he was a reporter who was doing a story on "nuisance families" in the area, so I invited him in for sherry and branflakes so I could tell him a thing or two about some of the scum in my street!
He was a bit of an oddball, very twitchy, kept jumping up with his camera every time he heard the screech of car brakes in the street. I told him it happens each morning round here, its the kids joyriding to school, (the bus company refuse to come down here after a few "incidences" with the kids) so you cant blame the poor lambs, its a long walk to school.
Well he calmed down after a while, but I had to ask him to turn his collection of radios and walkie-talkie thingies off, they were interfering with Terry Wogan, and I dont want to listen to what the local constabulary are up to, I much rather listen to Cliff Richard.
He told me that hed had lots of complaints about my family, and that local people were concerned for their own safety due to the return of Bo.... I couldnt believe what I was hearing! My family keep themselves to themselves.. we pay our fines on time, always wear our best sunday clothes for Court appearances, never park stolen cars on double yellows. Ive brought my family up with good manners, they always say "sorry" if they hurt someone, "thank you" after a shoplifting spree, and "please" when asking for money from the Post Ofiice.. we have our standards you know!
Well as you can imagine... I chased the bugger out my house quick-sharp, the cheek of him!
Oh well, the day can only get better.. Ill go and see Renee later, she always cheers me up!

I was woken very early this morning by noisy people staring at my house! I peeped out the window, (the one thats not been boarded up yet)

There was a man shouting orders to the crowd, "POINT! POINT! POINT!" and to my amazement they all pointed at my house and stood there like showroom dummies for about 15 mins while he took pictures!

I quickly put my mac on over my flannelette nightie and went downstairs to chuck the contents of my commode over these people.

What an invasion of privacy! Ill get the buggers!

Well the dreaded telegram arrived... my lovely son Bo, hes on death row in the USA .. I dont think I can open the damn thing, Ive been expecting this... (need sherry first)...

Half a bottle of QC later... I knew it... Im devastated... its a bill for a bloody electric chair... The little tw*t has blown the damn thing! It not the first time, he only needed to crawl past a wireless to put it out of tune.

Maybe it was something to do with the fact he loved to chew cables and put his tongue in wall sockets as a baby.

The drs think he did it for attention, but I know better, he just had fun, his little eyes would light up everytime he bit them! (maybe that would explain his hair, its been like that since he was 10 months old.)

Well hes being flown back to the UK, courtesy of George Bush, it seems hes deemed as a threat to national security.

Im not sure how Im going to pay the US government $750,000 for a new chair, maybe Ill have to cut back on the sherry and bingo for a while..

Cant wait to see my baby again though...

I saw my Marylin today for the fisrt time in ages, she must be feeling nostalgic, shed moved from a town centre bus stop, to my local bus stop, (right outside Spar) maybe shes homesick. I recognised her cardboard box straight away, she has written "£5 for a good time , or a 6-pack of tennants super" in green highlighter pen on it.

I knocked on the lid, and was greetd by the shriek of "F**K OFF" so I did..... sod her, the ungrateful bitch! But I left her a 6 pack of tennants and 20 capstan full strength anyway, well shes my grand daughter and I love her.

Marylin is only 35 but she had a very long paper round, I think thats why she looks so tired, shes still recovering 20 yrs later. I blame all the sunday supplements myself!

Ill call back in the morning with thermos of hot dry Blackthorn cider and a bag of roast chicken crisps, her favourites.. and it is a Sunday! Ill spoil her!

Dan isnt very happy that his uncle William is home..... aparently there was a bit of an argument about some white stains in the "winnie-the-pooh" sleeping bag. William only borrowed it for few minutes while Dan was at work, he needed a nap poor lamb, hed been staking out some local drug dealers in the White Horse pub all afternoon, and had to bring back a female colleague (who was disguised as a prostitute) They had to "de-brief" each other in privacy, so had to remove their clothes to check for any hidden microphones or bugs.

What a great responsibilty he has, William says the white stains were bits of crushed cyanide tablets, that fell out of a secret pouch in his belly button, kept there in case he was captured by passing alien life forms.

Really.... as much as I love Dan... he must understand that William has a very important job to do, all Dan does is spin a few records and tell us when the M6 is blocked! William is crucial to national security.

My son William is home! The doctors said there there was nothing more they could do for him. He has a new job, he tells me he is on a training scheme with the local police.. he must report to them twice a day (he says he is a special agent and I mustnt tell)

I believe him, he has shown me his spy equipment, little electronic tags on his ankles. William says these tags link up with Scotland yard, and have spy cameras and poison darts in them so that if he sees someone stealing mushy peas from Spar, then he can either paralyse them with one dart or have MI5 there in seconds! Im so proud of him... Ive told you before a mothers instinct is always right, hes a good lad!

He has asked me to wake him up before 9am, he has to pretend to "sign on" with all the other no-hopers so that nobdy suspects who he really is. Ill cook him some kippers on toast with brown sauce, he needs some sustinence to be a secret agent, awwww my own little James Bond!

I might have a look round the charity shops for a tuxedo and bow tie for him to wear at work, Im sure he must feel out of place in his green and red shell suit, Id be happier knowing he felt he fitted in.

Oh dear, he sent me his photo and this is him, he doesnt look 6ft 5"! He lied to me! Im gutted, thought Id found a good man.

Well finally I have some time to myself, family gone to "work" and Renee has gone back to her sheltered accomadation, (we used a pair of wire cutters to untangles her stitches from the sofa)
My neighbour Flo has told me she finds love in chat rooms. While the house is empty I might try, I need all the help I can get, she tells me that you have to be naked and on web-cam to get a good one..
It took me a while to bring my paraffin heater in the room, and Im afraid the hot water bottle Im sitting on might just pop.. Ive adjusted the web-cam so my incontinence knickers cant be seen.. mind you, my tits are down below waist level too.
Ok, Im ready, log into a chat room.... oh no, they need a nickname.. should I chose "ugly-old-hag?" I quickly type in the words "willowy-blonde" my screen is filled with men with "12"cocks" wanting to have sex with me! BINGO! They are all firemen and soldiers too!, Im so excited, which one do I chose? I chatted with a few, but I choose a man called "fireblade" he promised to run up the stairs with me over his shoulder and make me feel like Ive never felt before...
We swapped photos, I was a bit embarrassed, so I sent him one Scarlet, Im just waiting for his to come back to me.... I bet hes so handsome, he told me hes 25, 6ft 5, and athletic......

One of Dans new friends.... think he reads the news, lovely young man.

It took ages to go to sleep last night... the record player must have got stuck on Cliffs "wired for sound" I lost count after 47 times, but Im glad Dan has found a friend in Mr Turkey.

Well, what a night, Renee is still snoozing, Dan is tucked up in his winnie-the-pooh sleeping bag, Mr Turkey was slumped on the floor with a bottle of QC clamped between his thighs..(Im glad, I was a bit worried about him) what with Renee and Mr Turkey in the same room, I wasnt sure what Id come down and find. Luckily it was just the smell of a farty room and the sounds of snoring.. a normal family...

Ill go into my kitchen and start breakfast, what a feast ill prepare.. fried bread in dripping, some of the left-over manx kippers I won at bingo, porridge. A real treat, Im feeding celebrities here, they have probably eaten at the Ritz, but they will never forget this!

The doorbell rang as I was cooking, it was 2 of their colleagues from the radio station, they had come to collect them for work.

The scream from Renee was unreal.... her QC drip had run dry and Im sure she knew there was 4 men in the same house, a quick flip on the back of the head with the kipper pan soon silenced her.

Dan and Mr Turkey woke up, (they had no choice, Renee fell on top of them. The 2 guys from Dans work helped me to pull her off them before they went completely blue. I put a pint of sherry into her drip bag to settle her and invited my new guests to stay for breakfast.

I covered Renees arse with paper table cloth from xmas , there was ample space for us all to eat.

It was all very civilised, we took turns to hold the "table" cloth down when the wind blew...

sadly Renee sustained a few minor burns off our tea, but she didnt notice, at least we didnt have a candle-lit meal... she would have been in hospital with 1st degree burns to her arse.

Im going to take a few pics of Dans new friends before they rush off... I think they do the breakfast show.. lovely lads both of them... but a bit odd compared to my lovely family...

Mr Turkey, quite handsome I think!

Well Renee signed herself out of hospital, shes asked if she can stay with me for a few days. How can I say no? She wheeled her dripstand in and made herself at home in front of the telly. I dont think the staff at the hospital know shes gone yet, shes still got her hospital gown on (not pretty from behind!)

We watched Richard and Judy for a while then she became very agitated... I topped her fluid bag up with QC and she soon settled.

Dan came back from work, all seemed to have gone well, but the commode wasnt pretty, Ill get a bit of zoflora in that and itll smell just fine. Dan brought a friend of his from work home for tea, his name is Mr Turkey, Id best go the Spar and get some more food, he looks like hes hungry.

Renee woke up quickly at the sound of male voices, but fortunately she couldnt get off the sofa, her stitches had stuck in the cordrouy upholstery.

Mr Turkey seemed nice, (but his jokes were appalling) and he kept doing an awful impression of some Irish popstar, Rowena Cretin or something.

Renee is sleeping well, shes had her second pint of sherry going through her drip. Im off to bed, the boys are talking about music type things... and I have a date with my vibrator while they are all to drunk to notice Im gone or hear the noise! Ill just take a quick photo of mr Turkey before he notices.

Goodnight, (hope my duracell havnt leaked) more later.....

Great news after last nights disapointment, my gorgeous great grandson Dan has arrived on my doorstep with his Winnie the pooh sleeping bag. Hes a cracking lad, been away to learn how to be a DJ, hes been offered a job at Dune fm, hes got his first show this afternoon, hes so excited.

Ive given him a Spar bag to take with him, (he has a speech impediment that tends to cause him to spit and dribble a lot) he can cover the microphone with it to prevent electrocution. He has to do traffic reports and everything, he must be very important.

Dan is Heathcliffes bastard... ermmm I mean illegitimate son, but he must have inherited his looks off his mother, Im not sure who she was, but the nuns have done a wonderful job bringing him up, he says please and thank you and everthing!

He loves music, hes already got his posters of his favourite pop stars up on my walls, theres a lovely one of Cliff Richard, and the one of Val Doonican is nice too, such a lovely smile hes got. Mona is going to knit Dan a pullover just like Vals in the picture, hes ecstatic about it!

Poor boy hasnt been off the loo with nerves, his show starts at 2pm! Hes taken my wheelie commode with him to put in the studio incase he gets caught short, bless him, and a proper loo roll, not that shiny stuff they use in cheap places like that, you know the stuff, your finger pokes through while wiping, and it makes your bum sting.

If youd like to hear my Dan just click on the link..... and listen online! Good luck Danny-boy!

www.dunefm.co.uk

R.I.P. The paramedics tried their best to revive him, but I think the strain on his heart was just too much, it was very sad, I couldnt even see if he died with a smile on his face! Oh well, these things happen when you get our age, at least I got to keep the salmon and tapiocca, save me a few bob for me tea later.

Its finally happened..... Im in lust for the first time since.... well, since the last time! (my mind isnt as good as it used to be) I met him in Spar when I was trying to get a refund on my steredent. He nudged me from behind with his basket and I was smitten! I think hes single cos he only had a small tin of pink salmon, tappioca pudding, half a warburtons loaf (wholemeal, he must have stubborn bowels) a packet of wooden dolly pegs (good sign, he washes his clothes, must be a gent) and a copy of FHM... (even better... hes sexually frustrated!)

I was in a dilemma, should I risk chatting him up? Should I just play hard to get? Should I just drop to the floor clutching my chest hoping he knows the kiss of life? (forget that option, still havnt got my teeth back).... think Winnie........

I turned and said... "do you fancy coming back to mine for tea? Ive got a bit of cucumber that would go lovely with that salmon, and Ive got some evaporated milk thatll make that tappioca into manna fron heaven"

There was silence... then he said... " come hurry up, put them steredent in my pocket and Ill let you share my salmon" That tube of steredent in his pocket got me well stirred up I can tell you!............

Cant wait till I get him home.... Ill let you know what happened tommorow....

Ive just come back from the hospital, been visting Renee, shes out of danger, but the surgeons are in therapy. The thong has been stored in formaldehyde for medical research. It took 5 porters and 2 security guards to stop her from taking a swig of it. ( I wouldnt mind but I had my sherry bag with me)

The nurses are being very kind with her, they let the guards take the shackles off when shes has had her morphine, but the male staff have been moved to another department until she is discharged, (for their own safety)

The doctor told me the scars wont be too noticable, but that was never an issue, you could park a harley-davidson and its driver in her backside anyway. (And from some of the comments Ive seen on the toilet walls at Mecca bingo hall its a day trip for them) I believe they have printed postcards of said region, I believe the views rival that of the Himalayas without the snow, but with skid marks.

Im going to bed soon, Im tired, at least I dont have the bother of soaking my teeth, still not got them back off that damn dog! But I think Id best have a good strip wash, the cats are back howling and Ive got no kippers...... wheres my lavendar water????

More tomorrow... goodnight

My teeth! At last!.. damn that dog!Its always after my pussy. This is my neighbour Mabels dog, I hate it, they call it "Rudyard" I call it "shit-all-over-my-yard"
Im sure it hates me too.. its laughing at me here with my own teeth.. (well not my own teeth,I lost them in 1939 after an accident having sex on a tight-rope with a gypsy from the travelling circus) Ill have revenge on the little bugger, Ill chuck it a lamb chop with a few of my sennakot in it, he'll think twice before he robs my choppers again! Mind you, they look quite clean, probably been knawing on bones, keeps em clean I read, done me a favour I suppose, saves on steredent.
Well bingo was a bit of a wash out last night, no prizes, but Flo's new look went down well, she was asked several times for her autograph (I think she was mistaken for Boy George, or maybe Janet Street-Porter)
My new handbag was a great success, we managed to smuggle in 4 litres of draught sherry, and 5 litres of vomit out without the bouncers seeing. Its a good job Rene wasnt with us, the lining of my bag wouldnt have coped! She couldnt join us due to a g-string she bought, I believe the paramedics took 2 hours to find it. She was quite blue according to her neighbours. I think she is still in the operating theatre. Ill take her some grapes and her vibrator in tommorow. Ill also let her borrow some of my bloomers, much more comfy!
Ill have to go now, need to drop my bloomers in some dolly-blue before I go to bed.
More tomorrow...........

Well thats enough about my family for now, Ill try to keep you all updated with their shenanagins.
Im going to bingo with Flo tonight, so if I start now I might be able to make myself as glamourous as her before 7 o' clock. I might ask Scarlet to give me a makeover. If only I could find my damn teeth, its not gonna be easy to munch pork scratchings like this, and they do the proper ones at Mecca,not those synthetic ones, but proper good chewy pigs skin ones, take bloody ages to soften by sucking. Maybe i can soak em in my sweet sherry for an hour or so, that may help, a sort of marinade.
Hope I win tonight, last week I won a purple teddy bear and a box of manx kippers, brought every damn cat from down our street howling at me door they did!
Right, I best go and soak my feet in a bucket to soften my corns, Ill have to use the bread knife to slice them off, my razor blade is blunt.
More later, Ill let you know how we get on, I just hope Rene doesnt turn up drunk again, she nearly got us all barred last week. Shouted out rude comments about the bingo callers balls all night she did. Then when she got on stage, she showed us up by doing her party trick with her extra width blue bingo pen, she has no shame! (You can find her photo on my previous posts) mutton dressed as an old chop she is, but shes still my bestest friend so please dont tell her I said that.

As Ive almost finished with my family history, I thought you might like to meet my neighbours, Mr and Mrs Kipper, also known to us as Mabel and Moses. A lovely couple, always ready to help me out when Ive had a few too many sherries and cant get in my house. I really wish I had teeth like theirs, such beautiful smiles dont you think? Their are rumours that they are brother and sister living as man and wife, well I dont believe that tosh! After all their 8 children are all fairly normal. (But I must admit, when Ive seen them playing with the burnt out bus down our street, several of them may have a few too many toes here and there) Not to worry, maybe thats normal where they come from, they moved here from Burnley.
Mabel bakes lovely jam tarts for me, she likes to experiment, she made a batch with branston pickle in them last week. They were tasty with a bit of tinned tongue from Spar.
Moses is a true gentleman, Mabel says he even gets out of the bath to have a wee! Now thats class! He also collects photos of red pillar boxes he frames them and displays them on the walls in the house. He travels to places as far flung as Birmingham to get the shots, they are very pretty and go very well with the red cushions on their couch.
I think Mabel looks like that lady that used to do fancy cooking on the telly, shes very glamorous, and alway wears white stilletoes despite the weather. She tells me she was a model in her heyday, I think she said she worked for Wilkinsons.

My eldest great grand daughter Mona, she has a very sweet nature, does a lot for animal charities. She travels to various events with a pasting table and sells her ornaments for the local donkey sanctuary. They are very pretty ornaments, carved out of soap, all in the shape of various endangered animals like donkeys and cats, and budgies. Quitr realistic too, she always picks the right type of soap, Pears for donkeys, Dove for polar bears, and spar basic for budgies, (its green) very inventive she is.

Mona is very environmentally friendly, she collects hair and wool from donkey sanctuary, local sheep farms and zoos and transforms them into beautiful cardigans and mittens. She also weaves her own shoe laces from horses and donkeys mane hair. I wish there was more young people like her around, she is an inspiration to us all.

Well, ermmm... this is Flo, my neighbour, after her make-over, I told you our Scarlet has talent, I hardly recognised her, its amazing! (not sure Id have chosen yellow earrings but hey thats just my personal taste!)

Flo is taking me to bingo tonight to celebrate her new look, I have bought a new handbag specially, Its big enough to hold 3 litres of sweet sherry, itll save us a few quid, give us more money to spend on pork scratchings.

My beautiful great grand daughter Scarlet-Tennant, (Marilyns daughter) named after her favourite colour and drink. This girl is an absolute STUNNER, she want to be a beautician when she leaves the childrens home, she does her own hair and make up and everything, she has real talent. She has been practising her talents on my next door neighbour Flo (who does need some help in the beauty department. Im going to take a photo when shes finishedfor Scarlets portfolio. They have been in the bathroom for ages, I cant wait!

Id like to proudly introduce my eldest son Bob, but we call him Bo for short, it easier. He has left our shores for a life in America, well for life in America. I believe hes innocent, Im sure it was just an accident that man running onto his pitchfork and becoming impaled to a tree. My Bo has always been a gentle giant, wouldnt harm a fly.

Hes well liked on death row though, the prisoner officers have a lot of pet names for him he tells me.

Bo went to college, the only member of our family to do so! He was there for 9 years but eventually managed to get a GCSE in woodwork. I still have the canary he carved out of a piece of chip board on my mantlepiece, its very realistic, I can almost hear it singing sometimes.

This is my lovely grandson Heathcliff, we are all very proud of him, he has a proper job and everything. Well, sort of, I think the judge called it "community service" or something, what a great job title, hes very special. Such a handsome lad, and good to his old gran, he visits me every day and doesnt ask for much, meals, alcohol, fags, money, that sort of thing. Well hes a growing lad, and needs these things to sustain him through his working day!