Its a sad day, Im just back from the hospital, my gorgeous grandson Heathcliffe had a bit of accident...it seems he "borrowed a car from outside Spar". Its all my fault.... I should never have expected him to carry 2 tins of pink salmon, a tin of tapioca, and 50 Spar extra special brew teabags without transport.

I was obviously very nervous when the police drew up at my door...... (they didnt look to happy either, "they were quaking like a shittin dog" my Bo described them as) As they didnt have their usual riot gear on, I decided to open the door. (I got Bo to hide the pickled eggs in the toilet cystern) and got our Dan to guard the back door in case they were staking out the yard ready to flush us out.

I was suspicious whan "female police person" came in and asked me to sit down... Im saying she was female, she had mascara on, but that means nowt these days, just look at some of my Dans friends from the radio station!

She said she had bad news for me...................Damn you Heathcliffe... and wheres my change? I gave you a fiver! I should have at least have £2.18 change (salmon was reduced cos it was out of date, but it has more flavour like that)

What the bugger was doing in Cornwall beats me, its miles away,(near Bolton I think) Ive been waiting ages for my tea.

The funeral is on Wednesday, Im dreading it.... my black outfit has gone grey with cheap washing powder, Ill get it from Spar next time... quality stuff that.

Im going to sit and mourn now, drown my sorrows in QC........ well £2.18 is £2.18, and Im a pensioner!