They called her "The eastern Songbird" on the blackboard outside the clubhouse, well she certainly can warble! She didnt need a microphone, and its a good job we had plastic glasses for our sherry or there may have been a bloodbath!

Mr Dorey and Mr Newt seemed to find something amusing, their faces went a funny colour and they had to stuff their shellsuit tops in their mouths to stem the laughter. Dan had left the room as soon as she started to sing, I just turned my hearing aid off and dreamt of my man.

We were all quite concerned about Mr Turkey though, he was on his knees in front of the stage cross-eyed and dribbling. I suppose she is a pretty girl(especially when gagged) but Ive never seen any man react quite like this before though, very bizarre. We first thought the songstress had caused his ears to bleed, and he was in great pain, but the paramedics couldnt find anything wrong, but they did notice his Y-fronts were a tad tighter than they were, we must presume he likes this girl! Oh dear, I do hope he doesnt take her home with him, Ive just had my new windows put in.

I found my mystery man... but just as I almost caught up with him, 4 men in uniforms were throwing him out the compound. There was a riot of women behind him waving their fists and hurling abuse at him. I expect he turned down their advances, nothing worse than a woman scorned, jealous bitches! Im very sad about missing my chance for a bit romance, the guard on the gate wouldnt let me chase after him, said it wasnt safe for me and that Id have to remain locked in.

Ill have to go and drown my sorrows, they have entertainment on this afternoon, and Mr Turkey, Mr Dorey and Mr Newt are going talent spotting again. Dan thinks they are going to turn into agents like Simon Cowell.

Im in love! I spotted this gorgeous man lurking round the womens changing rooms, he tried to hide when he saw me, I think hes smitten with me, when I called out to him he went very red and tried to hide his face, but his hands were definately busy in his trouser pockets. Ill find him later when I get my clothes back on, shouldnt be hard, he has a lovely head of hair, and Im sure I heard the clunk of a wooden leg on the floor as he dashed off. Poor man was probably embarrassed at accidentally wandering into the wrong rooms.

We werent allowed to stay in the pool for very long, something to do with the filters being blocked, probably something to do with all those screaming kids, it was ok when we first got in.

God its hard to get bloomers on when your bums not dry properly, and I dropped my girdle on the floor so thats gonna be impossible, and I wanted to look great for my mystery man.

What an exotic place! Very modern, feel like Ive come to paradise! This was taken just before Rene jumped in, there was quite a stir, Im not sure if it was the image of her bikini bottoms disapearing up her crack, or the tidal wave that followed, but the noise was something to behold! There were screaming children, rubber hats and rubber rings everywhere, the water turned a reddish colour (dont heads bleed a lot?) I wish some mothers would keep their children under better control.

I suppose she did us a favour really, Id only brought a tea towel with us, so Scarlet used the distraction to do a "seaside swipe", she did well, got 4 good size ones, thatll do the 17 of us well.

Mr Turkey had forgotten his trunks, but thanks to Rene I dont think anyone noticed the brown and orange stripped little number he was wearing were actually y-fronts.

Mr Dorey and Mr Newt are very refined, they had proper speedos and everything, they even brought soap and shampoo with them, saves using all my washing up liquid.

William was taking a little too much notice of some of the young girls and had to be "escorted out" by the lifeguards, he says he was only trying to teach them how to swim, but they thought that swimming under little girls with a snorkle and twanging their bikini bottoms wasnt too helpful.

Flo looked a sight for sore eyes when she came out of the water, she was strutting up and down in front of the lifeguards trying to get their attention, but she hadnt realised that her plentiful make-up had "run", when i say run, it was more of a flow, when that was put together with her silver thong, well all Im saying is its the first time Ive heard grown men scream!

At least Ive found some of them behind the chalets. Marylin had already started sorting breakfast out, bless her!

I must admit though, Id have expected a bit more of Pontins, I always thought a breakfast buffet would be laid out on the table, oh well, never mind, I suppose we did get a cheap deal, cant expect 5 star service, and the man said it was "al-fresco dining" sounds very posh!

I tried to get out of the camp to get some fresher warburtons from Spar, but the man on the gate insisted he couldnt let me out, I suppose security has to be tight to keep the "riff-raff" out. Dan tried to climb over the wall but got tangled in the barbed wire, Im sure theyll have some plasters in the 1st aid room.

I passed a big dining room thing on my way back to our caravan, it was full of people helping themselves to rice crispies and fried bread, I expect it must be a private party, wedding party or something.

We are going swimming today, kill 2 birds with one stone, the shower block and toilets are closed to the "caravaners"

Well last night was a roaring sucess, the entertainment was fantastic! Stanley was amazing as Elvis (yes I know its hard to believe hes not the real thing, but its true I swear!)

His redition of blue suede shoes was the best thing Ive seen, and the way he moved really stirred me!

We got to meet him after the show in the bar too, he was very nice and polite, (once we'd peeled Rene off him) poor deluded woman still believes that Elvis is alive and working at Pontins, Ive told the silly cow hes dead, I know for a fact this must be true, I read it in the Star. Mind you, he was pretty convincing, but once you hear his Bolton accent it all becomes clear, the real Elvis was from Wales I think, completely different way of speaking, I have a good ear for these things.

Mr Turkey and our Dan were very excited about Stanley, they have offered him £20 to do a series of songs on their shows, they are going to feature him in a slot called "holiday singers from hell" This could be his big break, itll be Simon Cowell next! And to think Ive actually met him! Its great to be able to mingle with the stars! Id best wake my lot up and get some breakfast sorted, something good to soak up the left over alcohol, well we had to show Stan we could keep up with the stars.

I cant believe it, this is our home for 4 days and 3 nights. I knew I shouldnt have trusted that man at the Pontins shop. Well it was almost a shop, more of a pasting table outside the travel agents with a hand painted sign saying " party of 17 can have a luxury break for only £58, cash only"

I cant believe I fell for it, he seemed so nice, but in after thought, Im sure I recognised him, he used to work at Spar. There was a bit of a trouble one evening when he accused one of mine for stealing... he got sacked...

Well at least our Marylin will be sleeping outside, makes more room for the other 16 of us.

Wheres my QC?...............

Well, the funeral was over, none of us can remember much about it, so it must have gone well.

We decided to celebrate Heathcliffes death with a well deserved holiday. I booked us all in at Pontins. It was a late deal and out of season so very cheap. The brochure looked nice,and the man on the phone told me we all fit in lovely. There was 17 of us going, so we would all have these rooms with some privacy.

Even Marylin was coming with us, (it took us ages to pack her cardboard box into the suitcase) but at least we saved £7.75 for her weekends board at Pontins.

We tried to book a big taxi to take us from Southport to Ainsdale, but no-one would take us. The train was out of the question, our faces are posted up like "Carlos the Jackal", we cant even get to Birkdale without face of arrest.

Mr Turkey came up trumps... he used his position at the radio station to appeal for a bus to take us to our destination... (we had to steal some wheelchairs and various other medical equipment to make it look authentic) but hey who cares?? It worked!

We are on our way!... Im so excited, I hope I can control myself, these tennas aint what they used to be...

I cant believe it, Marylin has come out of bus-stop in mourning. Id heard she had been asking for a black cardboard box at the Spar, but Id just thought she was trying to keep the heat in now its autumn.

Maybe Ive mis-judged her, she must be missing her brother, he used to bring her half empty glue tins he'd found in bins while he was working. But Im sure she genuinely misses him, after all they are flesh and blood, well ....sort of... (I could never quite get to the bottom of their parenthood) Oh who cares... they are my family and I love em....

Well....... Age Concern have done me proud... Heathcliffe will look great in this suit, and a bargain at only £3.75, I got the shirt for free, an open Spar bag works wonders.

Its not quite the right size for him but Ive had a word with the undertakers, apparently they can suck out a few extra bits to get him to fit it. Anyway, we can always split the seams at the back, no-one will notice, hes not likely to roll over.

All in all, in this sad time, things are going smoothly. Rene has done me proud, she has got a trolley from B&Q , she also "borrowed" a few giant umbrellas from their garden centre in case it rains. A few cans of spray paint from their car dept will get rid of the orange "B&Q" letters, she will sort that out tommorow, what a rock she is.

Im exhausted, I need a bit of tea and some QC, then some sleep......

This is Mr Kennedy, hes going to lead the funeral parade, he was recommended to me by a friend of our Dans at the radio staion, I think his brother works there.
Hes a bit of an odd man, tends to burst out cackling for no reason at all, but I suppose it takes all sorts, and hes cheap enough. Hes had a lot of experience but is just trying to earn a few quid before he retires. I had to bribe him with £2.95 to walk in front of the car instead of using his bike, (I also had to pay the driver an extra £5 not to go to fast and mow him down)
This is getting more complicated by the day, I just wish Id hired Charlie Dimmock to dig me a pond in the yard and dropped him the foundations when she wasnt looking, would have been cheaper. Id have had some great water lillies to!

Its a nightmare, trying to arrange a funeral when your grieving, and its even worse on a pension, but I think Ive found just the thing for our Heathcliffe. Its made a beautiful chinese wood... its probably very lovely and hardwearing, but I dont understand about wood, I know all about formica, and pine(wish our Jesus was a bit older he'd know about these things)

The man said something like "balsa", sounds very exotic to me, he did tell me we'd need a good trolley on wheels to support it, Rene is going to B&Q for one, Asdas are way to small, he was a big lad, shes such a gem.

Im off to Age Concern now for a suit for him to wear, (the "Heart Foundation" shop is way too expensive)

Its a sad day, Im just back from the hospital, my gorgeous grandson Heathcliffe had a bit of accident...it seems he "borrowed a car from outside Spar". Its all my fault.... I should never have expected him to carry 2 tins of pink salmon, a tin of tapioca, and 50 Spar extra special brew teabags without transport.

I was obviously very nervous when the police drew up at my door...... (they didnt look to happy either, "they were quaking like a shittin dog" my Bo described them as) As they didnt have their usual riot gear on, I decided to open the door. (I got Bo to hide the pickled eggs in the toilet cystern) and got our Dan to guard the back door in case they were staking out the yard ready to flush us out.

I was suspicious whan "female police person" came in and asked me to sit down... Im saying she was female, she had mascara on, but that means nowt these days, just look at some of my Dans friends from the radio station!

She said she had bad news for me...................Damn you Heathcliffe... and wheres my change? I gave you a fiver! I should have at least have £2.18 change (salmon was reduced cos it was out of date, but it has more flavour like that)

What the bugger was doing in Cornwall beats me, its miles away,(near Bolton I think) Ive been waiting ages for my tea.

The funeral is on Wednesday, Im dreading it.... my black outfit has gone grey with cheap washing powder, Ill get it from Spar next time... quality stuff that.

Im going to sit and mourn now, drown my sorrows in QC........ well £2.18 is £2.18, and Im a pensioner!

Weve got yet another edition to our family, a little canine called Willie. Hes a handsome little devil, fits in with my family perfectly. William took this picture of him in his favourite spot, under the table waiting for tasty morsels, hes assured me that no-one will notice my bloomers, but I dont like the way he was sniggering. Well at least they are clean.

William stole him from the local dogs home, hes got a few behavioural problems... (the dog not our William) and he can clear in seconds with one puff from his arse. I think theyve been feeding him crap in that home, hell be a goodun when hes been on Spars best meaty chunks in jelly for a few days.

Hes a great little guard dog, he went straight for the policemans ankle when he tried to fine me for the pile of shite he dropped in the chippy. Its not my fault the silly man slipped and caused damage to himself with his truncheon, but it caused a great distraction for me to make my getaway with a large jar of pickled eggs, and a free bag of chips, theyll go down lovely for tea, might just give Willie a little treat too.

Well its been a while since I wrote my diary, its been very busy here what with Bo being home, Dan and Mona have been about as useless as a chocolate fireguard now they are "in love". Scarlet has been spending all her time with the barrister who defended her against her shoplifting charges. He seems a nice chap, not sure about his curly grey hair, but each to their own. Ill save up some of my sherry money and get him some of that mens lotion, thatll cover it. Scarlet insists hes a blond, but my eyes aint that bad, he also wear little bows in it, personally I think hes been listening to Adam and the Ants, its gone right to his head.

Ive been left holding the baby, damn ugly little bugger but im getting quite fond of him in some ways. I left our Marylin babysitting him for a few hours while I went to bingo, she wants to have him again tommorrow. Im surprised, she was never interested in her own. I did notice she'd made a new sign on her cardboard box in her bus stop though, something about "another hungry mouth to feed" didnt really take much notice, shes very odd at times.

Ive asked Scarlet to bring her young man round for tea tonight, I need to see if he's father material (and I want a good look at that barnett of his)

Right Ill get down to Spar for something special, he looks a bit posh, might get some Lambrusco to wash it down with, thatll impress him.